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Poetry by 91816119

The Written Word by LadyWolfRider


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Submitted on
September 17, 2011
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I caught a sun gold.

Trembling old in my cupped palm, quiet copper,
as my rage on our queen, for so crippling me.  

And how too did I rail –
against you, Cyprian beloved?

Understand: I grow too old
for bows and arrows, Eros.
March, 2013: Published in Harnessing Fire, an anthology (a book!) of prose, poetry, and art about Hephaestus. You can buy it from Amazon in paperback, from Amazon in Kindle, or from the online store in paperback.

On Hephaestus, the coppersmith, the god of fire. The "curse" refers the curse of the binding throne for Hera, his mother, who physically crippled him by throwing him off Olympus for his ugliness. Eros is the god of love, with the bows and arrows. He was said to be the son of Ares and Aphrodite, but some say he was raised by Hephaestus. "Cyprian beloved" is of course, Aphrodite.

Tell me what you think, please? Thank you. :heart:

Critique for tWR.

Edited 13.09.2012.
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:iconrollingtomorrow:
There's a lot of meaning behind this one! Your use of language is very suitable for the Greek themes here and made the piece feel more authentic. It was also quite impressive considering the word count you were working with! The flow of the piece was very smooth, as were the transitions between stanzas. A few of the rhymes felt awkward, but it was still a very well written piece.

Additionally, reading about all the history and meaning behind the poem made it a very interesting piece. :nod: It shows that you put a lot of thought into composing this piece.

Keep up the great work! :la:
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

:icondoughboycafe:
Wow. This sat in my inbox for a very long time because the opening lines were so stunning I knew i would have to come back to it eventually and give it a critique that is worthy of it.

You have a very powerful, image heavy poem here and it's just beautiful to read. The first three lines jump out and give the reader a very vivid image. The lines about Harmonia a good touch, making us wonder which of his curses he's talking about.

The last two lines are very powerful as well, and sad. I like how strong it is at the beginning and the end, it is short, to the point, well capped. I feel like it flowed and the meter was good.

The only one eensy weensy thing I would suggest changing is the word charred. It's not actually incorrect grammatically, and I also like alliteration, so if you want to keep it, ignore me. But though the word does mean scorched or seared it most often refers to something scorached to the point of reducing it to charcoal, so it is normally reserved for collocations like 'charred bodies' or 'charred wood'. Again, it's not actually incorrect, so the choice is yours, but I think a stronger word for a metal might be seared or burnt.

Ok so, all in all 4.75 stars, this is really fantastic, and thank you also for providing the context in the notes, because it makes the poem that much stronger to know where it's coming from.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

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:icontristancody:
TristanCody Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Student Writer
A stunningly brilliant way to use Greek Mythology in a poem. I felt it was more personal though, as if it was you who did the writing, but I who felt the emotion. Constructed in golden sun, it seems - this piece. I adore it.

Thank you so much for sharing your talents,
Tristan Cody.
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:iconvigilo:
Vigilo Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Student Writer
I'm so glad you thought so - I did try to make it more of a personal retelling, with more emotion behind it rather than simple storytelling, because Hephaestus, to me, has always been such a tragic figure in mythology. That's lovely of you to say - thank you so much for your kind and beautiful words; they've really made my week.
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:icontristancody:
TristanCody Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Student Writer
You're most welcome and do hope to see more of your works in the future!

:handshake:
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:iconkatarthis:
katarthis Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Superbly deep.

k
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:iconvigilo:
Vigilo Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you so much - I'm so glad you thought so. :heart:
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:iconsolarune:
Solarune Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2012   Writer
Blarg, so: I have spent a very happy morning re-reading your poetry, and saw my original comment on this and decided it was woefully inadequate, so I wrote out another one and my browser, which had been spasming for a while, entered its death throes and crashed, wiping the whole thing. I really should be sufficiently warned by now not to write comments in the comment box (I'm doing it again, look) but there you go. Obviously your writing is too awesome for the browser to bear!
ANYWAY. *attempts to reconstruct from memory*
I evidently forgot to mention the first time how wonderful the last couple of lines are; Hephaestus saying, in effect, almost like a gentle admonishment or plea to a son, I'm too old to have my heart broken (again?). Because he loves Aphrodite so much, but can't ever keep her or have his love requited. Although I'm unsure if the caught sun refers to Hera or Aphrodite?
I love how although you don't describe Hephaestus as old except in his own words, he comes across as that – but in a careworn, gentle way, not with bitterness. "quiet copper" is gorgeous, and even "rage" seems tinged with sadness. The Greek gods and goddesses were one messed up family, weren't they?
Anyway. Love. :heart:
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:iconvigilo:
Vigilo Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Student Writer
Goodness. Two comments from you on the same poem? I am beyond flattered. I don't even know how to properly ... and I am quietly cursing your browser for that, but also happy that you wrote this comment anyway, and ... ALL THESE FEELINGS YOU GIVE ME. :huggle:

(Again! Yes!) The caught sun could refer to both Hera and Aphrodite; Hephaestus had a golden throne for Hera once, and a golden net for Aphrodite (er, and Ares..) once, so - yes, there's the dual thing of mother/son (when Hera threw him from Olympus and crippled him) or wife/husband (when Aphrodite .. everything).

I'm so glad you think he comes across like that! And yes, a lot of mythic families are pretty messed up.

Thank you. Love right back at you. :tighthug: :heart:
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:iconsolarune:
Solarune Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013   Writer
:glomp: well, your poetry deserves it. haha, browser crashes can actually be good sometimes, because they make you rewrite the comment in a more concise/clear way than you would've originally... hopefully, anyway!
Ooh I didn't know the golden throne part! That makes the ambiguity even more lovely (and tragic, too).
<3
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:iconbeautyinreview:
beautyinreview Featured By Owner Feb 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is INCREDIBLE. I love Greek mythology and it was amazing to see how much of it you packed into this short piece. Excellent word choice - I have rarely seen such precise expression in a piece.

A definite fave - I'm so glad I stumbled upon this.
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:iconvigilo:
Vigilo Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2012  Student Writer
Wow! :blush: Thank you so very much, I'm so pleased you enjoyed the poem. And it's great to hear that, it's not often you find fellow Greek-mythologists around! Your comment really makes me feel better, because I was afraid the references were too obscure, so this is really very happifying and bewildering. (: I'm very flattered that you think so - thank you very much for the lovely words. :heart:
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:iconbeautyinreview:
beautyinreview Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're so welcome. I enjoyed your piece so much.

I think the references are a bit on the obscure side, but that's the fun of it. People who know the myths can pick out the details that point to Hephaestus, and those who don't know the myths get a beautiful poem nonetheless, and perhaps are inclined to discover more about who it refers to. :) To me, that's the mark of a really well-done work. :heart:
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:iconvigilo:
Vigilo Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2012  Student Writer
I'm so glad to hear that! As well as beyond flattered and amazed that you think so! Thank you again, very, very much, for your lovely words. :heart:
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:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2012
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) in a news article that can be found here [link]
Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article.

Keep writing and keep creating.
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:iconvigilo:
Vigilo Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2012  Student Writer
Wow - thank you so much! :heart::heart::heart:
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:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2012
You are quite welcome! :hug:
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:iconyukinflake:
Yukinflake Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
ADORATION :heart: I love Greek mythology, so I caught a lot of the refereces at first, but not Hephaestus, so when I read your description, and reread the poem, my mind was blown :P That's very cool, for starters.

I love the voice; it has a tired feeling to it, like old, scarred Hephaestus. And the italics on beloved makes me think of his bitter voice, alone with only his forge for company...

As an English teacher of mine once said, it's like eating chips: Small, crunchy, flavourful :D
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:iconvigilo:
Vigilo Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2012  Student Writer
I am so sorry for the late reply! Exams swallowed me, black hole style. Deepest apologies! Please forgive me for the really late reply to this lovely comment!

I'm so glad you liked how it was done! Thank you, very, very much. I was afraid I was being too obscure with Hephaestus but I'm glad you think it works that way! And that's COMPLETELY what I was thinking for Hephaestus' voice - I'm so glad and flattered and pleased that you get that! :love: Yes, it must be really lonely for him - I imagine him as quite bitter, but still old, fatherly and kind, y'know?

That's quite the compliment! Haha, your English teacher sounds fantastic. This comment is so happifying, I swear it's more uplifting than balloons. Thank you so much! :glomp: :heart:
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:iconyukinflake:
Yukinflake Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Hah, you need never apologize to me for late replies :P Mine will always be slow (I'm so distractable, I never get to what I need to do).

Yes; you created a great characterization :D

...my English teacher is like a dalek. Murderous on the outside, but with soft and squishy insides :P

You're very welcome :)
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:iconvigilo:
Vigilo Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2012  Student Writer
Okay, I won't. :P (I bet mine will be slower!)

Haha, your English teacher sounds like lots of people I know!
(Um. Don't tell them I said that. They'd hate to be called soft and squishy!) Your teach sounds cool, man, I can never do that murderous-on-the-out-and-squishy-on-the-in, it's just squishy and soft with me everywhere. :giggle:

:heart:!
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:iconyukinflake:
Yukinflake Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ahah :P (Mine'll be wayyy slower -- ope, nope, only 7 hours ago on this one!)

Likely :P
Even your bones? :O
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:iconvigilo:
Vigilo Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2012  Student Writer
(What lies!)

Even my bones. :nod: I get so many nice comments from dA that I've been turned into a pile of mush, basically. :P
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:iconyukinflake:
Yukinflake Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
...how do nice comments turn you into mush? Do they rain acid on your skin? :O I've fallen and can't get out of the hole in your logic :P
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:iconvigilo:
Vigilo Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2012  Student Writer
:iconmeltplz:
^ like that. Who said there was any logic to this? :P
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(1 Reply)
:iconcality:
cality Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
The images here are so beautiful, and I love the rhyming of the first two lines in particular. :love:
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:iconvigilo:
Vigilo Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2011  Student Writer
Thank-you so much! I'm so glad you like the imagery and the rhyming especially; I've a soft spot for the gold/bold rhyme, so I'm so pleased someone else thinks the same as me! Eee. :heart:
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:iconcality:
cality Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
My pleasure!
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:iconredxluna:
RedxLuna Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2011
I love that you work mythological concepts into so much of your work. Your original pieces are lovely as well, but I really like the spin you put on the myths I've gone over so many times. Plus, I've always had a soft spot for Hephaestus (it's hard not to). I didn't know that the poem was about him until I read the description bellow, but that made it all the better because then I got to go back and read it over with a new perspective.
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:iconvigilo:
Vigilo Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2011  Student Writer
Thank-you so much, first of all, for this lovely comment/critique; it's made my week! I'm sorry for the slightly late reply, I got a bit buried under real life! I'm so pleased - and flattered - and bewildered - that you enjoyed this poem! And I'm glad you like the mythological concepts. Mythology's rather a favourite passion of mine, and I love writing about it. I completely agree with you about Hephaestus, he's one of my favourite gods ever - he's the only one of them who's actually seemed old, to me, or more human than the rest, him and Demeter. I'm glad it offered two perspectives and that you enjoyed it even without knowing the background. Sometimes I worry I make things too obscure, or not clear enough, or too stuffed with references - glad that didn't happen here.

Again, thank-you so much for this fantastic comment! :heart:
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:iconredxluna:
RedxLuna Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2011
You're welcome! I'm glad that the comments/critiques I leave aren't utter rubbish really XD And I've been buried under the real life of final exams myself so no worries.

You actually make me want to work with the myths I know a bit more. I'm not a natural poet, but I've used some of it in fiction writing before. (Hopefully that makes sense?)

I've always had a major soft spot for the underdog and Hephaestus is definitely that. Hardly any of the other gods seemed to show him any respect or love at all. Demeter is an interesting figure for me too since I first found out about her through the story of Hades and Persephone, which was one of my first introductions to classical mythology as a child.

I think its good, in some cases, to make things obscure. That way even people who know the mythology won't be able to catch it right away.

And you're welcome <3 (Thank you for writing such a lovely piece in the first place!)
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:iconvigilo:
Vigilo Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2011  Student Writer
DO IT.
WORK WITH MYTHS.
DOOO IT.

(If you have time, check out *kittykittyhunter, *orphicfiddler, and *ThornyEnglishRose - they all work with myths, in short stories/flash fiction sort of things, though most of their stuff ends up creepy, I've no idea why. :paranoid:)

Exactly! Underdogs are my favourites. Demeter's interesting for me because there's a book, Mythology by Edith Hamilton (gorgeous book - top book for mythology), which describes Demeter and Dionysus wonderfully - they're the two gods who live and die yearly; Demeter when she loses Persephone, and Dionysus when he has to be killed (for something or other - I forgot) and is reincarnated. ANYWAY. I agree with you. Hephaestus is awesome.

:iconlovelyheartsplz:!
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:iconredxluna:
RedxLuna Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2011
XD
Yes, ma'am!

(I definitely have the time so I'll be sure to check them out :] )

Oh, dear, I *love* that book, actually. My grandmother owned a copy then gave it to me when I got so into mythology. I even used it as one of the references for my Classical Mythology paper. I liked how they compared and contrast Demeter and Dionysus in a way I never thought of before.

<3
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:iconvigilo:
Vigilo Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2011  Student Writer
:salute:

(Yay!)

I'm so glad you've read the book! Oh, wow. That's so cool. I wish my grandmother read books about mythology! It's a great reference, isn't it? It's one of my favourite books - ever. Edith Hamilton is a genius, I swear. I loved her chapter on Prometheus, as well.

:heart:
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:iconredxluna:
RedxLuna Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2011
It comes from being part of an artistic family, I guess :] It's always been my go to reference for Greek mythology. When I went over her chapter on Jason for my paper, I was really impressed by how she worked in favorable undertone towards Medea.
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:iconvigilo:
Vigilo Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2011  Student Writer
Oh, lucky! I come from a family of doctors and teachers, making me rather an oddball!
Me too. :highfive: I'm definitely all for Medea, poor woman. I like how she talks about women in general in mythology - in real Greek history, they weren't considered as important as men, so her favourable tones of them really makes me happy. :heart:
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(1 Reply)
:iconwilliamszm:
williamszm Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2011  Student General Artist
This is really well-done, I loved reading it.

Thank you for sharing!
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:iconvigilo:
Vigilo Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2011  Student Writer
Thank you so much for your lovely comment - I'm very glad you enjoyed reading it! :heart:
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:iconsilverfleckedlullaby:
silverfleckedlullaby Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I love how so much meaning was packed into this short little poem (I know much of a pain it can be to meet a word limit in poetry, but think you did a fantastic job), with the references to Greek mythology implying so much more than what is said outright. The olde English you use ties in with the mythology theme, and doesn't come across as pompous (as it tends to seem in so many pieces). I enjoyed learning about the characters mentioned too--thank you for the information posted in the artist's comments.

The only thing that felt out of place was the word "gold" in the first line--it felt unnecessary, even were it just for the sake of the rhyme with "bold."

Good luck for the contest!
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:iconvigilo:
Vigilo Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2011  Student Writer
It was a pleasure - I love writing about mythology and letting other people know about it (or, uh, forcing it into their heads, either way works), and though you'll find me hard-pressed to admit it, Greek mythology's a favourite of mine. I'm so glad you enjoyed the poem - it means so much to me, and yes, the word limit was hard, but something I had a lot of fun with. Thank you so much!

I'll definitely see what I can do to edit it - maybe remove it, or change it. Thanks!

I'm afraid the contest is over, and even though I didn't get a place, there're some lovely winners out there.
Thank you very much for your lovely wonderful comment! :heart:
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:iconsilverfleckedlullaby:
silverfleckedlullaby Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
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:iconsolarune:
Solarune Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2011   Writer
I adore the rhymes here, and especially the first two lines. The way you write about mythology is sublime. :heart: (Also I'll reply to your replies to my other comments soon – I'm just trying to clear out the devs section of my inbox before anything else because the state of it has really got ridiculous!)
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:iconvigilo:
Vigilo Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2011  Student Writer
I'm so pleased you like it - and really, that's too nice of you. :blush: (Haha, that's fine - good luck with the clearing! And don't worry about replying to my comments/replies, take your time. :thumbsup:) Thank-you so much for the lovely comment! :heart:
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:iconsolarune:
Solarune Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2011   Writer
No problem! :heart:
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2011  Professional Writer
This is lovely. The last line has such brittle longing to it. The opening also has a wonderful rhythm.
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:iconvigilo:
Vigilo Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2011  Student Writer
Aw, you're sweet. Thank-you so much, I'm really pleased you like it - and that the ending and opening work for you. The opening was a bit tough, as I felt I was just leaping into the poem without preamble, but I'm glad the rhythm is OK. Thank-you again for the lovely comment - and your favourite! :heart:
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2012  Professional Writer
You are so welcome. And I like the leaping in without preamble, personally. :)
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:iconyouinventedme:
YouInventedMe Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2011   Writer
:flame:
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:iconvigilo:
Vigilo Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2011  Student Writer
:nod: :heart:
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:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I'm not quite sure what to say in the way of a full critique, m'dear, so I'll keep it short:

I quite like this. I think you've very subtly woven all the prompt images together very nicely, and you KNOW how much I love it when you talk mythology too me ;P

Really, from Hephaestus' perspective, I love the way you've ended this. Such a subtle first-person piece. Warm, but...sad. There's almost a plea in the last two lines.

Beautiful, beautiful work, m'dear. My attempt at tackling the prompt feels far inferior, haha :heart:
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