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Poetry by 91816119

The Written Word by LadyWolfRider

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Submitted on
September 17, 2011
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41 (who?)
I caught a sun gold.

Trembling old in my cupped palm, quiet copper,
as my rage on our queen, for so crippling me.  

And how too did I rail –
against you, Cyprian beloved?

Understand: I grow too old
for bows and arrows, Eros.
March, 2013: Published in Harnessing Fire, an anthology (a book!) of prose, poetry, and art about Hephaestus. You can buy it from Amazon in paperback, from Amazon in Kindle, or from the online store in paperback.

On Hephaestus, the coppersmith, the god of fire. The "curse" refers the curse of the binding throne for Hera, his mother, who physically crippled him by throwing him off Olympus for his ugliness. Eros is the god of love, with the bows and arrows. He was said to be the son of Ares and Aphrodite, but some say he was raised by Hephaestus. "Cyprian beloved" is of course, Aphrodite.

Tell me what you think, please? Thank you. :heart:

Critique for tWR.

Edited 13.09.2012.
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There's a lot of meaning behind this one! Your use of language is very suitable for the Greek themes here and made the piece feel more authentic. It was also quite impressive considering the word count you were working with! The flow of the piece was very smooth, as were the transitions between stanzas. A few of the rhymes felt awkward, but it was still a very well written piece.

Additionally, reading about all the history and meaning behind the poem made it a very interesting piece. :nod: It shows that you put a lot of thought into composing this piece.

Keep up the great work! :la:
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

Wow. This sat in my inbox for a very long time because the opening lines were so stunning I knew i would have to come back to it eventually and give it a critique that is worthy of it.

You have a very powerful, image heavy poem here and it's just beautiful to read. The first three lines jump out and give the reader a very vivid image. The lines about Harmonia a good touch, making us wonder which of his curses he's talking about.

The last two lines are very powerful as well, and sad. I like how strong it is at the beginning and the end, it is short, to the point, well capped. I feel like it flowed and the meter was good.

The only one eensy weensy thing I would suggest changing is the word charred. It's not actually incorrect grammatically, and I also like alliteration, so if you want to keep it, ignore me. But though the word does mean scorched or seared it most often refers to something scorached to the point of reducing it to charcoal, so it is normally reserved for collocations like 'charred bodies' or 'charred wood'. Again, it's not actually incorrect, so the choice is yours, but I think a stronger word for a metal might be seared or burnt.

Ok so, all in all 4.75 stars, this is really fantastic, and thank you also for providing the context in the notes, because it makes the poem that much stronger to know where it's coming from.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

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TristanCody Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Student Writer
A stunningly brilliant way to use Greek Mythology in a poem. I felt it was more personal though, as if it was you who did the writing, but I who felt the emotion. Constructed in golden sun, it seems - this piece. I adore it.

Thank you so much for sharing your talents,
Tristan Cody.
Vigilo Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Student Writer
I'm so glad you thought so - I did try to make it more of a personal retelling, with more emotion behind it rather than simple storytelling, because Hephaestus, to me, has always been such a tragic figure in mythology. That's lovely of you to say - thank you so much for your kind and beautiful words; they've really made my week.
TristanCody Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Student Writer
You're most welcome and do hope to see more of your works in the future!

katarthis Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Superbly deep.

Vigilo Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you so much - I'm so glad you thought so. :heart:
Solarune Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2012   Writer
Blarg, so: I have spent a very happy morning re-reading your poetry, and saw my original comment on this and decided it was woefully inadequate, so I wrote out another one and my browser, which had been spasming for a while, entered its death throes and crashed, wiping the whole thing. I really should be sufficiently warned by now not to write comments in the comment box (I'm doing it again, look) but there you go. Obviously your writing is too awesome for the browser to bear!
ANYWAY. *attempts to reconstruct from memory*
I evidently forgot to mention the first time how wonderful the last couple of lines are; Hephaestus saying, in effect, almost like a gentle admonishment or plea to a son, I'm too old to have my heart broken (again?). Because he loves Aphrodite so much, but can't ever keep her or have his love requited. Although I'm unsure if the caught sun refers to Hera or Aphrodite?
I love how although you don't describe Hephaestus as old except in his own words, he comes across as that – but in a careworn, gentle way, not with bitterness. "quiet copper" is gorgeous, and even "rage" seems tinged with sadness. The Greek gods and goddesses were one messed up family, weren't they?
Anyway. Love. :heart:
Vigilo Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Student Writer
Goodness. Two comments from you on the same poem? I am beyond flattered. I don't even know how to properly ... and I am quietly cursing your browser for that, but also happy that you wrote this comment anyway, and ... ALL THESE FEELINGS YOU GIVE ME. :huggle:

(Again! Yes!) The caught sun could refer to both Hera and Aphrodite; Hephaestus had a golden throne for Hera once, and a golden net for Aphrodite (er, and Ares..) once, so - yes, there's the dual thing of mother/son (when Hera threw him from Olympus and crippled him) or wife/husband (when Aphrodite .. everything).

I'm so glad you think he comes across like that! And yes, a lot of mythic families are pretty messed up.

Thank you. Love right back at you. :tighthug: :heart:
Solarune Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013   Writer
:glomp: well, your poetry deserves it. haha, browser crashes can actually be good sometimes, because they make you rewrite the comment in a more concise/clear way than you would've originally... hopefully, anyway!
Ooh I didn't know the golden throne part! That makes the ambiguity even more lovely (and tragic, too).
beautyinreview Featured By Owner Feb 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is INCREDIBLE. I love Greek mythology and it was amazing to see how much of it you packed into this short piece. Excellent word choice - I have rarely seen such precise expression in a piece.

A definite fave - I'm so glad I stumbled upon this.
Vigilo Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2012  Student Writer
Wow! :blush: Thank you so very much, I'm so pleased you enjoyed the poem. And it's great to hear that, it's not often you find fellow Greek-mythologists around! Your comment really makes me feel better, because I was afraid the references were too obscure, so this is really very happifying and bewildering. (: I'm very flattered that you think so - thank you very much for the lovely words. :heart:
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