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On cannibalism (in famine), thus the warning. No actual violence and gore except the mention of blood, "breaking back and bone". I am not sure about the category - do you think it should be in "horror"? I think it's fine in "human nature", but I could be wrong.
This is supposed to be a sort of lullaby from a mother to her child. "Cannibal" comes from 'a savage', hence the title. Cannibalism is something I've read about (in Perfume by Patrick Suskind) but never quite dared write about because the subject made me uncomfortable (movies such as Sweeney Todd, while with lovely music, did not help matters) and everyone I know seems to be (justifiably so!) uncomfortable with it, too, thus it evolved into a "taboo" subject.
Your thoughts on the tone of this would be lovely.
's contest about taboos and transgressions inspired this.
-edit:
Won third place in the contest! Thank-you.
This is supposed to be a sort of lullaby from a mother to her child. "Cannibal" comes from 'a savage', hence the title. Cannibalism is something I've read about (in Perfume by Patrick Suskind) but never quite dared write about because the subject made me uncomfortable (movies such as Sweeney Todd, while with lovely music, did not help matters) and everyone I know seems to be (justifiably so!) uncomfortable with it, too, thus it evolved into a "taboo" subject.
Your thoughts on the tone of this would be lovely.
's contest about taboos and transgressions inspired this.-edit:
Won third place in the contest! Thank-you.
Mature
© 2011 - 2024 Vigilo
Comments22
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Hello, and congratulations again on winning third place! 
Before I get on with the critique, I'd like to say that I really enjoyed this piece! You did a fine job on this. My comments are my opinions, and you're perfectly entitled to just ignore them if you disagree.
Since you asked specifically about the tone of this piece, it's the first thing I'll talk about. I find the tone wonderfully appropriate. It sounds like a nursery rhyme, like rockabye, baby or ring around the rosie. Those sorts of songs that kids grow up with, then find out later that they're actually pretty disturbing. This isn't so obviously about cannibalism that it would disturb a little child, but to an adult reading it, the message is quite clear. I love your use of the word nonny, as it adds some levity to what you're saying in this poem. The subject matter is dark, indeed, but the poem sounds really cheerful. I can imagine it set to music really easily, like a mother singing to her child. Well done!
I also really love the symbols you've used in this. The blood, which can represent any number of things, is used really effectively. I like how you mention blood, but don't really describe the consumption of the flesh. It does a couple things for you--it makes this piece slightly easier to stomach for your readers, and, more importantly, adds to the innocence of it all. Which is very creepy. Your comparison of men to sparrows or vultures is great. The sparrow is not man, but a bird, an animal, but it still has an innocence to it because it's small and innocent still, but then when you suggest they become vultures, it adds another level to the darkness. Vultures are scavengers, and used all the time as symbols of death; I can just see the starving people picking at the bones of the dead, swooping in on the corpses like vultures do their findings. It's a really effective description, and I LOVE that. But my favorite symbol you've used are the drums--marching and dancing to the beat of the drums, the drums of the heartbeat and the blood. Drums are often associated with primal and carnal aspects of men, because they have been around for thousands of years. The beating of drums is often a symbol of savagery, which you've used here--but also a symbol of life, like a pulse, which you've used at the same time, which gives a really nice effect with two meanings of the same symbol used in opposition.
My biggest complaint is that I find the switches a little confusing. In the beginning, the mother is saying not to eat life (which is a little ambiguous, so be careful; this piece is obviously about cannibalism, but if someone couldn't figure that out and didn't read your comments, they could think you meant all life, all animals), but then says they'll become cannibals and yes, they will eat the flesh, and eat death. I'm not sure I quite understand what causes the change, and think you could make it a little more clear. I would think it's that the beginning refers to before the famine, and the rest of the poem refers to what happens as a result, but it's not perfectly clear to me from reading.
The other thing that bothers me is the last line. It feels a little out of place, and I think that's because it's longer than the other lines. If you could find a way to divide it into two lines, I think it would flow a little bit better.
One more thing to improve on (in my opinion) would be some of the diction. You've used lovely, gruesome images in here, but you use the same words to describe them: blood, death, drums... if you could vary the words a little more, you could add even more to the poem. Not too much, and not too complicated, because you intended it to be like a lullaby. But a little more variation, I think, would be interesting.
___
I hope you find my critique helpful! As I said, I really love what you've done here.
Excellent work!
Before I get on with the critique, I'd like to say that I really enjoyed this piece! You did a fine job on this. My comments are my opinions, and you're perfectly entitled to just ignore them if you disagree.
Since you asked specifically about the tone of this piece, it's the first thing I'll talk about. I find the tone wonderfully appropriate. It sounds like a nursery rhyme, like rockabye, baby or ring around the rosie. Those sorts of songs that kids grow up with, then find out later that they're actually pretty disturbing. This isn't so obviously about cannibalism that it would disturb a little child, but to an adult reading it, the message is quite clear. I love your use of the word nonny, as it adds some levity to what you're saying in this poem. The subject matter is dark, indeed, but the poem sounds really cheerful. I can imagine it set to music really easily, like a mother singing to her child. Well done!
I also really love the symbols you've used in this. The blood, which can represent any number of things, is used really effectively. I like how you mention blood, but don't really describe the consumption of the flesh. It does a couple things for you--it makes this piece slightly easier to stomach for your readers, and, more importantly, adds to the innocence of it all. Which is very creepy. Your comparison of men to sparrows or vultures is great. The sparrow is not man, but a bird, an animal, but it still has an innocence to it because it's small and innocent still, but then when you suggest they become vultures, it adds another level to the darkness. Vultures are scavengers, and used all the time as symbols of death; I can just see the starving people picking at the bones of the dead, swooping in on the corpses like vultures do their findings. It's a really effective description, and I LOVE that. But my favorite symbol you've used are the drums--marching and dancing to the beat of the drums, the drums of the heartbeat and the blood. Drums are often associated with primal and carnal aspects of men, because they have been around for thousands of years. The beating of drums is often a symbol of savagery, which you've used here--but also a symbol of life, like a pulse, which you've used at the same time, which gives a really nice effect with two meanings of the same symbol used in opposition.
My biggest complaint is that I find the switches a little confusing. In the beginning, the mother is saying not to eat life (which is a little ambiguous, so be careful; this piece is obviously about cannibalism, but if someone couldn't figure that out and didn't read your comments, they could think you meant all life, all animals), but then says they'll become cannibals and yes, they will eat the flesh, and eat death. I'm not sure I quite understand what causes the change, and think you could make it a little more clear. I would think it's that the beginning refers to before the famine, and the rest of the poem refers to what happens as a result, but it's not perfectly clear to me from reading.
The other thing that bothers me is the last line. It feels a little out of place, and I think that's because it's longer than the other lines. If you could find a way to divide it into two lines, I think it would flow a little bit better.
One more thing to improve on (in my opinion) would be some of the diction. You've used lovely, gruesome images in here, but you use the same words to describe them: blood, death, drums... if you could vary the words a little more, you could add even more to the poem. Not too much, and not too complicated, because you intended it to be like a lullaby. But a little more variation, I think, would be interesting.
___
I hope you find my critique helpful! As I said, I really love what you've done here.
Excellent work!