ShopDreamUp AI ArtDreamUp
literature
moonchild, sunchild
Deviation Actions
Literature Text
hold a lamp to the wind
you are dreamt of in night your dreams fall as light
night unfurls you starkly, Aphrodite, dappled with salt
lulled across the sky, cradled across the sky,
by lore,
child woman, child man,
narcissus-like in water circlets
crowned elegance crowned radiance,
a wheel of pale milk, a spiral of hot jacinth,
trembling, warm mercury turned sultry fire,
running as a rabbit. striding as a king.
spilling into the hours,
as a lamp is held to the wind.
moonset, sundown
the sea gathers them down,
those days in a dreamcatcher
lift –
you are dreamt of in night your dreams fall as light
night unfurls you starkly, Aphrodite, dappled with salt
lulled across the sky, cradled across the sky,
by lore,
child woman, child man,
narcissus-like in water circlets
crowned elegance crowned radiance,
a wheel of pale milk, a spiral of hot jacinth,
trembling, warm mercury turned sultry fire,
running as a rabbit. striding as a king.
spilling into the hours,
as a lamp is held to the wind.
moonset, sundown
the sea gathers them down,
those days in a dreamcatcher
lift –
jacinth: noun; a reddish-orange gem variety of zircon.
The number of "& nbsp" (without space; makes a definite space) used in this are IMMENSE. So much copy pasting to and fro from Word, too, because deviantART was being buggy. On the moon and the sun, for a two-voice poem challenge, with Greek mythology themes added in for fun (though the rabbit isn't greek; it's from the "moon rabbit" lore). Experimental.
(Le mammoth critique for various.) What do you think of the formatting? What do you think about the centred lines? (There's a reason the formatting's the way it is!) Thank you.
The number of "& nbsp" (without space; makes a definite space) used in this are IMMENSE. So much copy pasting to and fro from Word, too, because deviantART was being buggy. On the moon and the sun, for a two-voice poem challenge, with Greek mythology themes added in for fun (though the rabbit isn't greek; it's from the "moon rabbit" lore). Experimental.
(Le mammoth critique for various.) What do you think of the formatting? What do you think about the centred lines? (There's a reason the formatting's the way it is!) Thank you.
© 2011 - 2024 Vigilo
Comments39
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Overall Vision Originality Technique ImpactLet me start off by saying that, as usual, your images are simply lovely. However, I think there's a pretty significant problem with this piece, at least to me: I haven't the SLIGHTEST idea how to read it. I fear that the rest of my critique will be colored by this. I will attempt to do the best that I can, however.
To answer your questions:
What do you think of the formatting?
As mentioned - too experimental. I feel like I need a guide to figure out what I'm reading first. I think I got the sun on the right, moon on the left, but what's the middle? I think there are too many voices. Must as I like the imagery in the middle bit, it's just not intuitive enough.
Is it too short?
I do definitely like the length. I certainly wouldn't add MORE if it doesn't need it <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title=" (Smile)"/>Does the woman/moon and male/sun seem too .. cliche?
Cliche? Even though the Greeks and Romans held it to be so, it seems to have evolved into a cliche, or something expected at the very least. Should I remove the references to gender?
Perhaps, but only in that sort of folkloric anthropomorphic sense. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, personally. I think the duality works nicely, anyway, because of the format you've chosen.
Dammit! I'm liking that middle bit more and more. I think I'm figuring it out. I do like the "lamp" idea; I think that works well as a means of unifying the two halves, but I think perhaps that segment should be worked in in a different way. I think perhaps you could divide that section in half; have a sort of intro bit, then a conclusion. Then again, I like the "moonset, sundown" bit as a conclusion, but....GAH! I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE END IS!
I definitely have to say format is your biggest problem here. I think I see what you were doing, but I'm really not sure how to read it.
Originality? definitely 5 stars there
Technique? I feel like the format could at least be clearer, so I'm giving you half credit there.
I'm assigning vision what sense I was able to make of this, therefore I'm afraid that score is low, but what I can make out is truly lovely, so impact is a bit higher.
I hope this is at least a bit helpful, m'dear. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h…" width="15" height="13" alt="
" title="Heart"/>